My voice is back . . .

If you read my last post, you know I was diagnosed with cancer June 18th, 2022 . . . And then tested positive for Covid July 29th, 2022 . . . What did I do to deserve this?

I had a relatively mild case of Covid . . . Thank you vaccines . . . However, I had the Covid cough . . . It tore my vocal cords apart . . . I could no longer sing a note . . . After a year, it appears the voice back . . . Maybe better than ever . . . Like a broken bone . . . Does that make sense? Things are looking up . . . 

The voice is a metaphor for life . . . 

Peace and love . . .

Ciao

Snake

  

WTF?

 Yes, definitely WTF . . . Who freaking knew? Certainly not me . . .

June 18th, 2022 . . . I woke up and was paralyzed waist down . . . It came out of  nowhere . . . This strong guy . . . What? Go to the hospital . . . MRI  . . . CT scan . . . Neurosurgeon walks in and tells me it's stage four cancer . . . Two tumours on my spinal column, among other places . . . Lungs, bones . . . No shit . . . This is freaking real dude . . .

He gave me the news, originally thinking it is multiple myeloma . . . I just looked at him and said, this is just another rehab . . . I've been an athlete all my life . . . Knee surgeries, cortisone shots, multiple rehabs . . . I know about rehabbing . . . So I'm telling this guy it's just another rehab . . . He gave me the look of, Are you fucking crazy? I just told you you have stage four . . . I knew from day one I would walk again and told them and nobody freaking believed it!

They didn't think I'd be alive today . . . Didn't think I'd ever be out of a wheelchair . . . Four and a half months in hospital, including ten days in isolation due to testing positive for COVID . . . 

From paralyzed for a month, to a wheelchair, to a gutter walker, to a two wheel walker, to a four wheel walker, to a cane, to no cane . . . Walking normally . . . 

The message is, hope is a reality . . . I never doubted I could do it . . . Not for a second . . . Everyone else doubted I could do it, but not me . . . 

If I can overcome this, anyone can overcome anything . . . Anybody can find their inner toughness . . . I will be here for a while . . . Just came back from my beautiful daughter's wedding in Mexico . . . Walked her down the aisle . . . No cane . . . No shit dude . . .

mbv555@yahoo.com

Peace and love

Snake

Being Roofied . . . A Cautionary Tale

Some things we never do see coming . . . A car accident, the sudden death of a dear friend, losing a job, and so on . . . When I woke up on the morning of Wednesday, March 11th, 2020, I definitely did not see THIS coming!

A bit about me, which is somewhat germane to the story I'm about to tell . . . You'll see why as you read . . . I'm an older guy, but in very good shape for my age, and for anyone half my age to be honest . . . Been an athlete all my life . . . Still work out hard religiously four or five days a week . . . Six feet, one hundred ninety pounds . . . Not huge, but a good size . . . Strong . . . Lots of martial arts training in Okinawan karate, which I can still use 80% of even today . . . In short, I'm no pushover and I can take care of myself quite well if need be . . .

On the day in question, I woke up at my condo in Florida, ate a light breakfast, and went to the gym . . . It was a typical intense workout . . . Some cardio, the some upper body work, then more cardio to finish . . . Back to the condo complex . . . Went to the pool and schmoozed with some friends, then made some phone calls, did some reading and back to the pool . . . Ate dinner, then headed to my favourite beach bar to watch the Notre Dame -Boston College basketball game in the second round of the ACC men’s tournament . . .  Been a big ND fan all my life, football and basketball, men and women . . .

The game started at 7 pm. Over the course of two hours watching the game and post-game at the bar, I ordered two glasses of wine and five glasses of water . . . This is where things go sideways . . . Five minutes left in the game and one of the teams called a timeout . . . This was my opportunity to head to the restroom to lose some fluid, because at that point I had had a lot . . . I left my wine glass on the bar, as if to say, I'll be back . . . That was my mistake . . . I should have taken it with me, no question . . . I returned to my bar stool, and noticed there were two women, one on either side, who were not there before . . . Didn't pay any attention to them, just focusing on the last few minutes of the game . . . Finished the glass of wine and one more glass of water . . . I've done the math on this . . . My blood alcohol level was very probably less than .01, likely about .008 at most . . . That's basically nothing . . .

Game is over, ND won, and I'm happy . . . So I'll pay my bill and leave . . . Went over to the inside bar area where I pay if I'm using my card, and take care of that . . . Immediately beside me while paying was a man and woman couple, probably fifty-ish . . . The lady looked at me and said, I'm concerned about you . . . I didn't ask why, didn't respond at all as I recall . . . Off I went to the parking lot get my car and go home  . . . Something very odd happened . . . I couldn't for the life of me remember where I had parked it . .  . Not a clue . . . I walked around the parking lot three times . . . Back and forth three times . . . I didn't see my car . . . In fact, I walked past my car six times and did not recognize it . . . By the third trip around the lot, I'm becoming aware that my motor skills ie. walking are diminishing . . . When I arrived back at the bar, just outside in the parking lot after the third trip around the lot, I was probably wobbly . . . I know at this point I’ve been drugged . . . I sat down on the hood of a car just trying to stay upright . . . I don't know how long I was there, and then two attractive women suddenly appeared in front of me . . . The lady on the right said to me, We're here to take care of you. We will take care of you . . . That's word for word . . . I don't recall saying anything in response . . . I'm convinced they were the ones who targeted me, and who knows if they were the only ones . . . There could have been another or others . . . Clearly, robbery and who knows what else would have been the motive . . . Like an angel from Heaven, here comes a server from the restaurant . . . Obviously, somebody inside must have pointed me out to him . . . As soon he arrived, the women immediately left . . . Did not stay around at all, which in and of itself is very suspicious . . . My gut tells me that he saved me from something . . . In the state I was in, I would probably have gone with the women or done whatever they wanted me to do . . . And, they may not have been the only ones involved . . .  The server stayed with me and called a cab, and I went home . . . He was fantastic . . .

On the way home I thought I was beginning to feel a bit better, and I tried to talk as much as possible . . . I told the driver what happened as best I could . . . At a certain point, I asked him, Am I making sense, am I slurring? He said yes you are making sense, you're not slurring, but you're talking very slowly . . .

Arrived home, went to bed . . . I woke up the next morning feeling OK but somewhat off in a way I couldn't put my finger on . . . Just off, not normal . . . But, I remembered exactly where I had parked my car, and was hoping they didn't tow it . . . Took an Uber to the bar, and thank God my car was exactly where I knew I had parked it . . . I went inside and asked for the manager . . . Told him what happened and told him to check surveillance video for between 8 pm and 9pm the previous evening . . . I indicated exactly where I was sitting for two hours . . . They definitely have multiple cameras, that I know factually . . . Two days later, I spoke to a different manager and again asked him to check the video . . . I gave him my number and never heard back . . .

It was four days later that I finally felt back to my usual self . . . But I have admit, I was seething with anger after the event, and still am . . . This is the first time I have ever felt personally violated . . . It's a horrible feeling . . . My drink was spiked while I was in the restroom . . . The two women who appeared on either side of my bar stool were quite possibly the two women who appeared in front of me while I was sitting on the car in the parking lot . . . Clearly, someone marked me and they got me . . .

The reason I gave a personal description at the beginning of this post is to make the point that anyone can be taken down . . . I'm a good sized, muscular, agile, strong guy with a martial arts background who can take care of himself, and never thought for a second that this could happen to me . . . But it did, and I was utterly defenseless once the drug kicked in . . . I let my guard down and left my drink . . . Clearly my fault . . . Lesson learned . . . Whatever drug was used, it took me out 100% . . . Had the bar server not arrived, I hate to think what might have happened . . . Yeah, those two women who suddenly appeared wanted to "take care of me" . . . Right . . . I'm quite sure they did not have my best interests at heart . . .

My friends, be careful. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone . . . Thank God for that bar server arriving when he did . . . I truly believe he saved me from something very unpleasant . . .

Peace and love . . .

Ciao

Brain Development and Childhood Trauma

I've told the story of my childhood experience at the age of seven, being bullied and hospitalized as a result.  I've been told that after this period of my life, that I was changed.  I was more withdrawn, more reserved, less connected with people.  Of course, it makes perfect sense that a person who has been traumatized by bullying, sexual abuse, violence, etc would be less trusting of their fellow human beings.  Hard to imagine it being otherwise.  However, and this is fascinating, there is research that shows that brain development can be affected by emotional and physical trauma.  And definitely not affected in a positive way.  The brain of a child is a fragile thing, and traumatic events can prevent it from developing in a normal, natural way.  What can be some affects without getting into huge detail?  The development of post-traumatic stress disorder is one.  I have no doubt that happened to me.  Others can be a deterioration of cognitive function, desensitization, lack of empathy and compassion, and so on.  These can be the result of developmental changes, and not simply due to superficial effects.  And, they can be lifelong.  Imagine the effects on children who are exposed to warfare, death, and destruction daily.  It breaks the heart.

The good news is that help is out there.  Thank God for that!  To anyone affected, investigate options.  No situation is hopeless.  Things may seem hopeless, but they aren't.  Where we are today doesn't have to be where we are permanently.  Things can be changed, but sometimes change is slow.  It happens over time, but we have to start the process.  I wish all human beings the best, and no harm to anyone.  We are all beings of Spirit.  The most important thing we can do is believe that and act accordingly.  That can result in great personal transformation. 

Peace, love and blessings . . .

Snake  

Aftermath of Childhood Bullying

Bullied as a child of seven, and hospitalized a few weeks.  Feeling like there was no way out.  Trying to fight back didn't work.  The bullying just became more vicious, more violent.  These were also seven year olds.  How can that happen?  Sadly, it does, and I was right there to experience it at its worst.  

After being released from the hospital, driving back to that small town, I tried not to cry.  My mother and father in the front seat, me in the back.  I didn't say a word.  It felt like I was going back to hell on earth.  All I wanted was to return to my old neighbourhood where I had spent the first seven years of my life.  Everything was safe there.  But this new place was awful for me.  No friends, people abusing me physically and verbally for no reason, other than I was the new kid and not one of "them".  An easy target for them.

I'm so glad I didn't grow up to become a bully.  Many of those bullied do exactly that.  It's how they express the rage they feel.  I've known some and seen it happen.  God knows I'd never want to hurt anyone.  I'm as peaceful a person as you'll find.  I wouldn't hurt a soul.  Would never lay a hand on another human being, unless assaulted and in self-defense.  But that's never happened, thank goodness.  Children need to be cherished and protected, not traumatized by bullying, physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, poverty, poor parenting.  It goes on and on.  The way we allow children to be damaged, it's shameful.  I don't remember ever being suicidal as a result of my experience.  Perhaps I was too young.  As we know, there have been teenage suicides resulting from bullying.  It's absolutely deplorable that this can happen.  Whenever I hear of one, I literally cry.  My heart is in anguish.  It makes me feel like throwing up, and once I did.  It stays with me for days when I hear or read of a suicide due to bullying.  It takes me back with vivid memories.  So unnecessary, such a waste of a young life.

God has taken me under his wing.  I'll do whatever he has in store for me.  It may involve some kind of anti-bullying aspect.  We'll see.  I'm just so happy that I heard God's voice, and realized it was seriously time to listen.  He sent someone to inspire me, and the emotional pain to force me to do something constructive about it.  My spirit has been cleansed by His grace.  I plan to keep my part of the bargain.

Peace, love and blessings . . .

Snake

Are You Listening Now?

It's been a week since I was confronted with such emotional pain, it was overwhelming.  If that's Hell, I don't want it.  It was as if God was saying, Are you listening to me now?  I wanted relief so badly.  It was terrible.  I could hardly breathe.  I asked God to lessen my burden.  God, I will do whatever you want me to do.   

As I stated in my previous blog, I was bullied as a child, verbally abused, and beaten up.  I was hospitalized for a period of time.  I realize now that I never really got over it.  I tried to push it aside, and for the most part, I was successful.  But in the last year, it became more and more present in my thoughts.  It began to wear on me emotionally.  It came to a head last week, and I asked God for help.  A friend asked me yesterday, why didn't you deal with this years ago?  I had no answer, except that I thought it was under control for the most part.  I didn't talk to anyone about it.  I'm a person who thinks he can deal with anything.  The last year has taught me that some things are bigger than us.  We sometimes need help.  That was me.

My message is, never lose hope.  There is an answer.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever see myself writing about this in my blog. But it was meant to happen for a reason.  I understand that completely.  Perhaps my experiences will resonate with someone who needs help.  Childhood trauma is devastating in many cases, and often never really goes away.  But there is help.  Therapy can be tremendously helpful for many over time.  Medication can be helpful.  Spiritual counselling helps many.  Never lose hope, because help is available. 

Peace, love and blessings . . .

Snake

The Devil in the Corner . . .

My life for the most part has been fantastic.  Except for this.  I had a devil hiding in the corner.  Waiting for a moment of weakness.

This won't be fun, happy time reading.  So be forwarned . . .

I was the victim of verbal bullying and physical abuse as a child of seven.  Certainly not from within my family, but school classmates in a small town that my family had moved to.  We were not of the same ethnic/religious background as the vast majority of people in the town.  As the new kid, I became the target of merciless abuse by some of the other students in the class.  No one came to my defense, and no one befriended me.  It was hell on earth for a seven year old.  I tried to fight back a few times, but it was pointless.  So, I shut down.  Just completely shut down.  Couldn't function in any kind of normal way at all.  Almost zombie-like.

I remember being in a doctor's office with my parents and the doctor.  They left the room, and then returned.  We went straight to a hospital for sick children.  I stayed there for a few weeks.  Then I was released and put back into the same class.  But, some of the worst kids were no longer there.   It was better, but I still hated the environment.  I received intensive psychotherapy from a child psychiatrist for a couple of years.

Still, I've come to realize that the pain and darkness from those days didn't disappear completely.  It would come back to haunt me with occasional dark moods since then.  Sometimes, very dark.  Sometimes lashing out verbally, but never physically.  I could say terrible things to people I loved.  It hurt them.  It was awful.  I hated it.  At times I was able to catch myself.  The devil in the corner can be incredibly powerful at times.  It happened again three days ago.  It was awful.  I felt like a different person.  I WAS a different person.  It was the first time in a long, long while.  I realized I had to do something.  And I did.  My previous blog explains it all, so I won't rehash.

My point is this.  So many people were damaged in childhood, and never really healed properly.  Being male or female is a non-issue in thes situations.  They carry vestiges of that damage with them everyday.  A lot of it is repressed, but it can rear its ugly head out of nowhere.  And it isn't pretty when it does.  It's the devil in the corner.  But, there is always hope.  I know my burden has been lifted.  I KNOW it.  Again, my last post tells it all.  I'm not saying that my approach will work in everyone's case, but I do believe there are varied resources out there that help.  Because as long as that little devil is hiding over in the corner, ready to pounce, we're never going to truly be emotionally free.  Now, I feel free.

I never thought I'd ever write anything like my last two posts.  There was nothing written since late 2012.  I was done.  Fini.  But after seeing how a friend of mine has stared down depression, I felt it was incumbent upon me to tell my story too.  Get it out for people to read.  And see that they're not alone in trying to fend off the devil in the corner.  No situation is ever truly hopeless.  That monster CAN be defeated.

Peace, love and blessings . . .

Snake

Life Exposes Us All

We've all made mistakes.  Oh yeah.  We have.  We've all been on both sides of the "hurt" line in the sand.

My heart aches for those I've ever hurt.  I know the feeling.  It's not good.  Life goes both ways.  Good and bad.  Happy and sad. Up and down.  Been there many times.

I've been exposed.  More than once.  My weaknesses are on display for all to see.  I thank God for bringing those people into my life who have forced me to take a hard look in the mirror throughout my life.  I'm not always happy with what I see.  I'm not perfect and never will be.  

To those I've hurt, I sincerely apologize.  To those who've hurt me, I sincerely forgive.  My time is short, and it's time to be brutally honest, see my flaws, and put my life in the hands of God.

It's interesting how life plays out.  We all have a dark side, a Shadow.  For the most part, I've kept it at bay.  That isn't necessarily the best way to approach it.  As I drove on the highway yesterday, I felt a stabbing emotional pain.  All the pain I've ever inflicted, and all the pain I've ever experienced.  I've read that when we pass on, the first thing our soul feels is all the pain we've inflicted and experienced.  It felt like that yesterday, and it was too much to bear.  There was only one thing to do.  I knew it immediately.  Simply ask God to take it away.  Put everything in my life in the hands of God.  Let the power of God lead me through what remains of my life.  I feel like a different person, a lighter person.  A heavy burden has been supernaturally lifted.  A burden I thought I could deal with alone, until I realized I couldn't any longer. It got to the point where periods of darkness would occasionally overtake me.  I was bullied and damaged as a child requiring hospitalization for a few weeks, and that pain never really went away.  It was an ugly time in my life.  I truly believe that was at the root of much of the darkness I've experienced off and on since.  God was calling me yesterday, and I heard the call.  Thankfully.  I know there will be a time when I can help others, and show them that their burdens can be lifted too.  If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.  

There's always a brighter future, however long or short it may be.  We can make it happen.  And sometimes a deeper low precedes a higher high.

This post was in large part inspired by a friend who is battling depression.  I very much admire the strength displayed by this person.

Peace, love and blessings . . .

Snake

The time has come . . .

It's been fun . . .

Spreading my message of positivity . . .

A few people get it . . .

I'm outta here . . .

Unless I change my mind at a later date . . .  lol

Every human being is a Divine Spirit . . .

Think from the heart . . .

Peace and love . . .

Life is beautiful!!

Ciao

The greatest rock song . . .

And if you don't agree?

Good luck to you . . .  lol

Peace and love . . .

Life is beautiful!!

Ciao

Inspiration in Survival

If we look, we'll find inspiring stories and inspiring people all around us . . .

One of those people is Gabby Giffords, a former congresswoman who survived an assassination attempt in January of 2011 . . .  Thirteen people were injured and six killed . . .  She was shot in the head, and survived . . .

In a grueling ongoing recovery process, GG is doing amazingly well, and delivered the Pledge of Allegiance at the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte this past summer . . .  I watched it live on television, and it was a magical moment for anyone who knows her story . . .  I've wanted to post it here, but never did get around to it, until now . . .

Peace and love . . .

Life is beautiful!

Ciao   

It's rockin' . . .

Pythagorus?  Euclid?

Does anyone know who they REALLY are?  lol

Doesn't matter . . .

Be consciously grateful . . .

Always GRATEFUL . . .

I'm tired of those who are full of self-pity . . .  Full of morose crap . . .  Poor me . . .  My life is so shitty . . .

Know what?  If that's you, do what my grandmother suggested . . .  Get out there and do something positive for someone . . .  Their gratitude will elevate you . . .

Gratitude . . . I'm bursting with it!  My life isn't perfect, and never will be . . .  Whose is?  But people would line up for my life, and probably yours too . . .  And if you don't think they would, take another look . . .

Think of Gabby Giffords!!

Peace and love . . .

Life is beautiful!!

Ciao

The highlight of my day . . .

Today I had the chance the sit down and talk with a dear friend . . .  A cancer fighter and cancer survivor . . .

And THAT was the highlight of my day . . .

Peace and love . . .

Life is beautiful!

Ciao baby!!  

Just what the doctor ordered . . .

One of the things that's so terrific about blogging is that it gives us an outlet to say what we're REALLY feeling at any particular time . . .  And what we're feeling is constantly changing . . .  That's life!

The past seven days have seen events that have left me everywhere from very up to very down and everywhere in between . . .  Yesterday started out as a tough day . . .  I went to the gym earlier than usual, for no specific reason . . .  As I walked into the workout area, the first person I saw was a great gym bud named Carey . . .    He's one of those people who can go on and on . . .  All I have to do is say hello and then he's off . . .  Also a very entertaining guy, and a real raconteur . . .  We hadn't seen each other since June, since he's been in Thailand and Vietnam and then training at a different gym for a month . . .  As the title of this post says, he was just what the doctor ordered . . .  He regaled me with stories of his exotic (and erotic) Thai experiences, one after the other . . .  I literally had to force myself away to start working out, because it was so entertaining listening to him . . .

Once again, I thought to myself, this is how the Universe works . . .  If we really listen to the messages, many delivered through our intuition, things are put in our paths which become pivotal . . .  Seeing and talking to Carey turned the whole day around!  If I hadn't decided to go to the gym ninety minutes earlier than usual, our paths wouldn't have crossed . . .  Ya gotta love that!  

And I woke this morning feeling much better, said my Hail Mary's, and sent out a message to the Universe asking forgiveness from anyone I've ever hurt in this lifetime or any other, and forgiving anyone who's ever hurt me . . .  No grudges, no hard feelings, no negative emotions . . .  Everything is fine, and I'm completely OK with everyone on the planet . . .  White light all around!  

Peace and love . . .

Life is beautiful baby!

Ciao

This has been a week!

Do you reflect?  Are you at all introspective?  When you put your head on the pillow, what are your thoughts?  Anything about gratitude?  

OK, so I'm going to reflect upon the week that was . . .  The last seven days . . .

Started in a small city a few miles west of where I live . . .  Fantastic!

Back home . . .  So glad to be home . . .  I love my house . . .  It's a refuge . . .

A friend coming home from a week in San Francisco . . .  A spectacular week!!  We'll talk tomorrow at a favorite place . . .  This is truly a miracle man . . .  L'air . . .  In the last three years he's lived a lifetime . . .

Some terrific gym moments . . .  Love my gym buds . . .  Bill, the guy who's 46 and looks 35 . . .  Ronny, who can do pushups all day long . . . Lorraine the nurse . . .  Jamie, the police guy . . .  

And SO much more . . .

Peace and love . . .

Life is beautiful!  

Ciao baby!!