Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Devil in the Corner . . .

My life for the most part has been fantastic.  Except for this.  I had a devil hiding in the corner.  Waiting for a moment of weakness.

This won't be fun, happy time reading.  So be forwarned . . .

I was the victim of verbal bullying and physical abuse as a child of seven.  Certainly not from within my family, but school classmates in a small town that my family had moved to.  We were not of the same ethnic/religious background as the vast majority of people in the town.  As the new kid, I became the target of merciless abuse by some of the other students in the class.  No one came to my defense, and no one befriended me.  It was hell on earth for a seven year old.  I tried to fight back a few times, but it was pointless.  So, I shut down.  Just completely shut down.  Couldn't function in any kind of normal way at all.  Almost zombie-like.

I remember being in a doctor's office with my parents and the doctor.  They left the room, and then returned.  We went straight to a hospital for sick children.  I stayed there for a few weeks.  Then I was released and put back into the same class.  But, some of the worst kids were no longer there.   It was better, but I still hated the environment.  I received intensive psychotherapy from a child psychiatrist for a couple of years.

Still, I've come to realize that the pain and darkness from those days didn't disappear completely.  It would come back to haunt me with occasional dark moods since then.  Sometimes, very dark.  Sometimes lashing out verbally, but never physically.  I could say terrible things to people I loved.  It hurt them.  It was awful.  I hated it.  At times I was able to catch myself.  The devil in the corner can be incredibly powerful at times.  It happened again three days ago.  It was awful.  I felt like a different person.  I WAS a different person.  It was the first time in a long, long while.  I realized I had to do something.  And I did.  My previous blog explains it all, so I won't rehash.

My point is this.  So many people were damaged in childhood, and never really healed properly.  Being male or female is a non-issue in thes situations.  They carry vestiges of that damage with them everyday.  A lot of it is repressed, but it can rear its ugly head out of nowhere.  And it isn't pretty when it does.  It's the devil in the corner.  But, there is always hope.  I know my burden has been lifted.  I KNOW it.  Again, my last post tells it all.  I'm not saying that my approach will work in everyone's case, but I do believe there are varied resources out there that help.  Because as long as that little devil is hiding over in the corner, ready to pounce, we're never going to truly be emotionally free.  Now, I feel free.

I never thought I'd ever write anything like my last two posts.  There was nothing written since late 2012.  I was done.  Fini.  But after seeing how a friend of mine has stared down depression, I felt it was incumbent upon me to tell my story too.  Get it out for people to read.  And see that they're not alone in trying to fend off the devil in the corner.  No situation is ever truly hopeless.  That monster CAN be defeated.

Peace, love and blessings . . .


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